It's been a long time since I've written anything but I feel things all the time. It's often now that I have bouts of anxiety. Tonight driving home from Milwaukee, I started feeling nauseous. It may have been the amount of macarons that I had eaten or it was anxiety. A little bit of both, I suppose. Every so often I get this terrible uneasy feeling. I start going into a dark place. Wondering why I'm at where I'm at. How I feel so small and insignificant. But this uneasy feeling. I feel like I could stand up but need to sit down. So i'll sit down but it won't help. I feel helpless. Or trapped. I feel like I just need to run away from something. I have nothing to run from. I have no problems. Well, I have a few problems but they're bearable. I can't help but feel uneasy and I don't know how to fix it. Maximum uncomfortableness. I don't know how to stop it. With this feeling I can't help but think about my career. How I'm so small. I think about how I'm probably not giving 100% to anyone or anything. A feeling of not being good enough. This hole in your stomach. This void. Feelings you can't explain. I try to stay cool most times. But sometimes it hits me and I need to move. I need to get up. I need to go outside. I need to breathe different air. I can't be touched. I don't want to be touched. Sometimes I don't wanna talk. The sensation of talking bothers me. Paying attention to every miniscule detail of someones voice or a song and the speakers aren't playing the song well and you can pick out that tiny scratch. And it drives you nuts. Like nails on a chalkboard. But really, you're stuck and there's nothing you can do about it.
Am I making the right decisions for myself?
Should I stay in Rockford?
Should I leave?
Am I stuck?
Whats it going to be like someday when I'm married and I don't have my mom around?
What am I going to tell my kids?
Will I cry at my wedding?
Am I even getting married?
What if I marry a girl?
What if I fall in love?
(Don't fall in love. Don't fall in love. Don't fall in love.)
Will my family approve or talk shit behind my back?
I haven't talked to my family in a while, they probably hate me.
Do they understand my career choice and how I seriously have no time for family gatherings on weekends?
Do my little cousins know who I am?
What does my family think about me anyways?
The one year mark is coming up. After that do I still get to feel bad for myself?
Am I going to feel like this forever?
Will it get better?
Sure it will.
How do you know?
Those are the questions I ask. The ones that send me into this hole. This black hole where I have no answers. What am I supposed to do when winter comes? How do I cope when I can't be outside for long periods of time? Everyone goes into their holes for the winter and i'll be left to fend for myself. Then what? Dig a little further into my hole?
Nothing but a pessimistic attitude. And just sitting here typing might help. It might not.
We'll see.
