Flashbacks

The best time to write blogs are when i'm all in my feelings and i've been drinking a little bit. That's when it's raw. That's when it's real. Don't mind the typos. Although you will but whatever.

Honestly, no one knows what it's like to go through what i've been through. Since my mom has passed, I have bad dreams. Constantly. The most stressful dreams. I had a dream last night that my 30 gallon fish tank was about to fall over and my mom and sister just let me fix it. They didn't help me. I was getting pissed. I was yelling at them to help me and my mom just said, "you need to calm down." I was super overwhelmed in my dream. Am I overwhelmed in real life? No. Not really. I get by. All I have are bad dreams. People die. People steal my things. I get robbed. Weird things just happen.

I watched my mom die. I think about a piece of that picture every single day. At my final support group, for some reason we started to talk about how our family member died. I was ready to be done with the group and leave on a happy note but we talked about death. The rawness. I don't care if that's a word or not but it is today.

I have flashbacks. On a daily basis. I hear words or phrases my mom would say.

"A pinch to grow and inch." I heard that at work and it was like my mom was saying it. The same tone and everything. She comes to me. Supernatural occurances.

Today I had a flashback bringing me back to her dry lips.
When a person is dying, one of the last things you do for them is wet a sponge for their mouth. It keeps their mouth wet so they don't dry out and it gives them some sort of comfort.

Honestly, how am I NOT supposed to be pessimistic about life? Is this how we live? We live so that we can die. She was 58 years old. Was it the cigarettes that killed her? Or was it just "her time?" How is it that i'm 25 years old and I can't consult my mother about where my tennis racket is? She was supposed to tell me these things. Her car sits in the driveway. She's still here, she just doesn't drive it. No one truly gets it. I don't know what happiness is. Where do I find it? Will it come back? What are emotions? I don't even want to feel love anymore. I don't want to find it because I don't care.

Yeah, I'll find someone and then have to explain to them that my mom died. And I can't love you because I really don't know if I even care about you.

I don't care about anything anymore. I try, but I don't.

People come in and out of your life.
I don't care.

Opportunities come in and out of your life.
I don't care.

I absolutely LOVED my job when I started and I still do, but I want that drive to come back. I want to feel that fire and passion. Everything I knew died when my mom died. The fact that it's rare for regular humans to have been through what i've been through. Not many have. What if I was 35? Would I be in the same boat? My sister isn't doing well and I don't know how to help her. I don't know what to do.

"We'll be okay." "We're doing okay." That's what I say. That's what I tell people. Then I fall asleep and I have these dreams. I HAVE NO CONTROL.

I want my mom back. You have no fucking idea what i'm going through. I have no fucking idea what my sister is going through. How long will this last? Will it be like this forever? How do I get better? I want my mom. I want her back rubs. I want her to call me "cece." I want her to tell me what to do and get mad at me for stupid things and I want her to ask me to bring up her laundry from the basement. I want her back and I want her to help me. I want her to be there and I want her to be there whenever I need her. I need her to be there. I need her to be there because me and my dad don't know how to help my sister and she needs to be here. I need her. I can't open her bedroom door. I can't open any doors. I need her to be here right now. I need her.

You need your mom. You need your dad. I'm jealous of anyone who has both. I have my dad but I want both.

We take these people for granted. And then they leave us. Some will see what i've seen. But if you're lucky, it'll be a while. I hate my life. How do I even deserve this? No amount of money or friends or things will bring her back or take her place. You have no idea. I fucking hate that she's gone. I hope you tell your parents you love them everyday because all I have left are pictures. And memories. She's in every dream but she isn't here. She should be but we were robbed. Now I have a guardian angel providing me with good happenings but i'd take anything else just to have her in the next room.